Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and in today’s sexed up society, it’s kinda hard not to have sex on the special day of love. But if you’re the kind of person who has had enough sex to last you a while or is afraid that your dead grandmother is watching, do not worry. I will teach you the Top Ten Ways To Not Have Sex On Valentine’s Day.
10. Don’t Get A Date
It is much harder to have sex if you are not in a situation that usually leads to sex. The best way to not get a date is to not ask anyone on a date, but even this isn’t a hundred percent effective. If you feel that you might accidentally find yourself on a date, just follow this simple rule: There is no possible way to get a date when you lock yourself in the basement.
9. Gain A Hundred Pounds
No one likes to have sex with fat people…except chubby chasers, but I’m pretty sure they’re just a myth propagated by Big Chocolate in order to keep fat people from working out.
8. Become A Raging Sexist
If you put down the opposite sex all the time, it isn’t likely that an opposite sexer will want to sex up your opposites.
WARNING: This may not help with members of the same sex. If you find yourself unattractive to the opposite sex but extremely attractive to the same sex, Become A Raging Homophobe.
7. Join A Religion
It is against every religion to have sex. God, Buddha, and the Tooth Fairy all hate sex and rarely watch us having it.
6. Die
Dead men chase no tails. If you’ve moved on, there’s no way you can bust a move. Just make sure no Necrophiliacs work at the Funeral Home you’ll be sent to.
5. Talk A Lot About Star Wars
The subject of Star Wars is an anti-aphrodisiac. Similar subjects: Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, “Lost”, Dungeons and Dragons, Asian Cinema, European Cinema, European Enemas, AIDS, and Hannah Montana.
4. Stop Brushing Your Teeth
And make sure to keep away from that Orbit bitch. Fabulous!
3. Go Insane
Although I’m sure it’d be fun and I will be adding it to my to-do list, sex in a padded room is a big no-no within the mental health industry. Also, there is little-to-no temptation in a loony bin. Would you want to have sex with Nurse Ratched?
2. Soil Yourself And Don’t Change Until February 15th
Unless you meet someone who thinks your shit don’t stink, there is very little chance that someone will rub up against your feces caked, naked body.
WARNING: There are a handful of people who would enjoy this type of thing, but this year they’re all busy with the Clinton campaign.
1. Mutilate Your Genitals
This will make sex impossible and painful and gross and illegal in seventeen countries.
Poke
Tags: Valentine’s Day, valentines, Top Ten List, list, love, sex, funny, comedy, Poke, The Poke Show
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