The Poke Show

I’m all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality

– From “Lost in the Supermarket” by The Clash

I hate going to the supermarket. I like food, and I enjoy the process of deciding what I’d like to eat, but dealing with all the other idiots who’re there is just beyond my abilities.

I have a strict policy when in a public place — live and let live. In other words, pay attention to others around you and let them enjoy themselves as much as you’d like to enjoy yourself. But these people at the supermarket… It’s as if the moment they hit the doors they suddenly forget all the rules of civilization and that there are other people on this planet.

There are many different types of annoying people lost in the supermarket when I’m there:

The Granny Who Owns The Aisles

This is the little old lady that parks her cart directly in the middle of the aisle and proceeds to drift back and forth from side to side looking for some brand of beans that was discontinued during the Reagan administration. She is loud cause she leaves her hearing aide at home so none of the lowlifes will steal it. She is slow cause her hip has been broken three times since last week. She is rude cause she thinks you’re her dead cousin who used to pull her pig-tails behind the barn. I usually try and steer clear of her and her kind. If I see her down an aisle, I’ll spin my cart around faster than she could say, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” Lady, get a nursing home room!

The Middle Aged Soccer Player

What business does a forty-plus-year-old man have wearing soccer cleats and shin guards into a supermarket? Hey, more power to ya if you want to stay in shape, but you can’t put on some normal socks and tennis shoes before you rush in to pick up a couple of steaks, a bottle of champagne, and your Cialis prescription? And why is it that you have to get behind me in the check out line? You stink, sir. And I don’t mean that in a figurative sense.

The Immigrant On The Cell Phone

I’m all for America being the land of promise for those who are foreign born. I welcome the world to come and suckle the teat (NSFW) that is capitalism. But they talk their gobbledy-gook language on their cells so damn loud that I wanna put up a border fence around my ears. I mean, even if they were speaking English, this action would be enough for me to support deportation. Also, stop complaining about the quality of the tortillas. If you want authentic, make ‘em yourself.

The Unfit Mother And Her Nineteen Children

This is the fat lady who hasn’t bathed in like three years and is wearing something that was once worn by Mama Cass. And I love it when one or more of her kids is wearing nothing but a diaper — that’s classy! I’ve asked the managers at my local store to call C.P.S. so many times that I got an ward from the Governor for being a “Citizen Who Cares About Kids”. I don’t care about kids, I just hate having my shopping time destroyed by the little bastards.

The Teen Bag Boy Who Just Got Off Work But Is Sticking Around To Hit On The Cute Cashier

Leave. You ain’t gonna tap that. Not a chance.

The Husband And Wife Who Won’t Stop Arguing

I think I hate these people the most cause I used to be one of ‘em. Missus Poke and I have had some doozies while shopping. We’ve fought over everything from Milk usage to what brand of Ramen was best. But the people I see today, they don’t even take the time to argue about other things so that I can try and read the subtext in their crazed debating. The other day, I heard a woman tell a man that his “limp dick never satisfied” her and that she’d “rather screw the next guy” she saw. Now that’s just cold. She could’ve at least had the courtesy to not yell it so loud that I could hear it three aisles over — at least that’s what I told her the next morning as she was getting dressed.

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Tags: supermarket, annoying, people, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

Get Lost In Humor At Humor Blogs.

According to Wikipedia, The Great Gazoo is “a tiny, green, floating alien” that was “exiled to Earth from his home planet Zatox as punishment for having invented a doomsday machine, a weapon of immense destructive power…though he insists he made it on a whim with no intent of using it.”

To me, that doesn’t make him sound all that great. I guess I’m just one of those guys that doesn’t see the reward in throwing the word “great” about like some tiny, green, floating aliens go about creating doomsday machines.

But that’s just me.

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Tags: The Great Gazoo, great, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

You Know What’s Really Great? Humor Blogs.

So, I just spent about three hours on YouTube watching as many funny fight scenes as I could, and I’ve compiled a list of what I think are the Top Ten Best Funny Fight Scenes Ever. Some are unintentionally funny, while others are meant to make you chuckle. I tried to place the intentionally funny ones up higher on the list, but a couple of the so-super-serious-it’s-silly ones were just so damn funny they had to be near the top.

If I missed one that you’d like to nominate for Honorable Mention (or to knock one of the Top Ten down a peg or two) please leave a link in the comments section.

10. Hot Shots! Part Deux: Funny Fight!

From the moment Charlie Sheen turns around you know this one’s gonna be funny. My favorite part is the Gummi Bears. In my opinion, Hot Shots! Part Deux is just as funny as Hot Shots! and deserves to be considered in the same conversation as Jim Abrahams’ collaborations with the Zucker Brothers.

9. Hilarious Indian Movie Fight Scene

How great is that? The slo-mo parts are just fantastic, then all of the sudden, the dude stops mid-flip to go all Three Stooges on the big dude’s head. And I’m not so sure we shouldn’t see more dancing-after-a-victory in American cinema.

8. BASEketball Dude Fight

Not technically a fight scene, or it would rate higher. I had to put it on the list so people are aware that Bud Light is simply ripping this idea off.

7. Most Ridiculous Fight Scene Ever

This one gets the award for Worst Fight Choreography and Best English Dub!

6. Ash vs His Hand

Somehow Evil Dead 2 has become known as a horror film. I’m not sure how this happened, because it is obvious to anyone who actually watches it that it’s funny as hell. Only an man as manishly manly as Bruce Campbell could cut off his hand and still be able to play the piano this well.

5. Bad Star Trek Fight Scene

Maybe this is why J.J. Abrams won’t let William Shatner be a part of the new Star Trek movie.

4. Kung Fu Hustle Final Fight Scene

It doesn’t get much more over the top than this — flying people, men turning into bullfrogs, stepping on a bird in mid-flight, a giant invisible hand attack, and much, much more. If I could’ve placed Kung Fu Hustle in it’s entirety here, I would have, because the rest of the movie is just as awesomely absurd.

3. MacGumby Bar…worse than Detroit

Q: What’s funnier than two girl scouts in a no holds barred fight to the death?
A: Two girl scouts in a no-holds-barred fight-to-the-death in the middle of a disco.

Sorry that the up-loader decided to speed the clip up when the music starts. Speeding things up doesn’t always make it funnier.

2. The best and most ridiculous fight ever filmed.

I’m not even sure where to begin on this one. The whole damn thing just keeps building on itself. First, you get knife licking. Then, tearing of shirts and lots of yelling. Follow that up with a knife that sparks when it barely touches metal. And don’t forget, a discarded rag can be a useful weapon. But wait, is this a P.S.A. for eye safety?

The final lines make this thing just brilliant beyond measure. I’m seriously gonna need to buy this movie on DVD.

1. They Live - Fight Scene

I’m not alone in loving this scene. It is one of the most infamous fight scenes in movie history. I know a lot of people don’t find it funny because of the brutal realism of the violence (although I maintain that it is unrealistic to think a man would be able to keep fighting if he got three thousand consecutive knees to the knuts). But as the up-loader says, “Roddy Piper is crazy, and wants everyone to try on his new sunglasses.” Now that’s funny.

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Tags: Top Ten List, list, movies, fight scenes, funny, comedy, video, Poke, The Poke Show

Fight The Power At Humor Blogs.

YouTube is My Life

Jamie Kennedy tells us How To Blow Up on YouTube.

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Tags: YouTube, funny, comedy, parody, video, Poke, The Poke Show

Humor Blogs Is My Life.

I haven’t watched a lot of MTV since the late eighties, but I came across an MTV Doc about Fat Camp earlier this week while channel surfing. Normally this would be something that would not merit a post here, I’d just watch it and move on with my life. But there was this one girl at Fat Camp — Diane. She was…well she was just God’s gift to us people who like to laugh.

I am fat, and have been since I was young. So I want it to be known that this post is not here to make fun of Diane.

No, this post is here to celebrate the wonderfully odd person known as Diane. You see, in my mind, the odder the person the more I wanna hang out with ‘em. I just tend to gravitate to the odd people. The reason being that odd people generally tend to make the people around them more interesting. A good example of this is the camp counselor’s reaction when Diane’s towel falls off (see below).

So without further ado, here is A Tribute to Diane from Fat Camp:

Highlights:

0:20 — Diane gets help out of the chair. He reaction is priceless.
0:52 — Diane’s shower talk.
1:17 — Diane’s towel falls off.
2:09 — Diane and “Sweet Home Alabama”

And for good measure:

Dianne Fat Camp Reenactments
Dianne Reenactments 2

And for really good measure:

Diane’s MySpace page

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Tags: MTV, Fat Camp, odd, funny, video, Poke, The Poke Show

Go To Fat Camp With Humor Blogs.