The Poke Show

Don’t you hate it when you walk outside naked and everyone in the neighborhood just happens, at that moment in time, to be doing yard work?

I’m not opposed to people doing yard work, I’m just opposed to people doing yard work during my outdoor naked time. It bugs me. Can’t an old man walk about with his dangle hangin’ out? I hate having to worry if people are judging me cause I’m too fat or too hairy or too old or too naked. It’s just not right.

I used to belong to a nudist colony — back when the Ex-Missus Poke and I were still dating. Back then no one minded my nudity cause I was quite the stud. I was skinny and my scrotum was well proportioned to the size of my testes. Nowadays, it looks like two marbles rolling around in a burlap sack down there.

Why does our skin stretch out in places where it has no business stretching out? I can understand the flaps of skin hanging where I used to have an ass because that area has been sitting down, standing up, bending over in a non-sexual way, and all other kinds of stretching for all my days. But my scrotum has never been stretched or pulled on …to the best of my knowledge. I am not into that sado-massachusettes bullshit, and I never got it caught in any kind of stretching device like the ill-fated Stretch-o-Matic 5000. So why is my custom leather bag too big for my bowling balls?

Women often complain that men have an unfair advantage because the older we get the more handsome we look. 1) I think that’s crap. 2) Even if it were true, what does it matter? Our sex organs have begun to look like Shar-pies  and have stopped functioning, so what’s the big whoop about looking handsome? Everyone thinks those wrinkly dogs are cute, but would you put one in your mouth?

The only time a man takes an interest in how he looks is when he’s about to have sex. Unless, of course, he’s one of those new Metrosexuals. Personally, I never enjoyed having sex with the Metro or at The Met or with Mr. Met.

Poke

Tug On Some Old Man Skin At Humor Blogs

Tags: old man skin, comedy, funny, Poke, The Poke Show

A couple of days ago, I checked out The Poke Show’s ranking at Humor-Blogs. I was sittin’ cute-in-the-face at #410.

A few hours later I noticed a jump in traffic from that site and checked again. I was amazed to find out that I was now sittin’ Tawny Kitaen circa ‘87 at #42. I didn’t know how, but I didn’t care — I was suddenly popular and sexy!

The next day it was revealed that there was a mix up in the software and a lot of crappy blogs suddenly jumped to the top of the heap. Mine was one of them. So I was sent back to the outcast table, where I was sittin’ fugly at #569.

Now, by some other strange twist of fate, The Poke Show is back up. I’m sittin’ smokin’ hot at #65.

I feel like I’m in Junior High again. Every little blemish could make or break me. If I get a boner in the middle of Geometry cause Linda Hassle is sitting next to me and I can kinda see her bra through her shirt, I might be made fun of or be made to take off my pants so the girls in the class can learn about the male anatomy. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like hanging around outside the 7 Eleven with a Big Gulp while telling some parachute pants wearin’ lame-o that I have the high score on like six Pac Man machines around town.

Poke

Tags: humor, Poke, The Poke Show

calamity
jane
woman
naked
bed
sex
ecstasy
drugs
heroine
meth
spirit
soul
identity
crisis
averted
eyes
have
relations
wife
ex
husband
blow
balloon
tits
knockers
big
dog
style
nude
fun
tickle
tease
strip
paper
thin
hair
pubic
clitoris
lick
yum
cum
condom
no
way
every
one
night
moves
right
hand
job
great
fuck
crap
cup
juice
baby
daddy
complex
inferiority
female
feminine
clothing
clothes
free
lance
dance
queen
men
boy
toy
play
nipple
teat
suck
yeah
give
offer
intercourse
hardcore
bang
fringe
top
of
balls
itch
bitch
stitch
on
back
massage
chair
bare
breasts
boobs
awesome
splendid
sugar
kiss
pucker
lips
part
vagina
labia
caress
soap
bath
plug
butt
tight
asshole
motherfucker
me
loser
thanks

I have a new favorite website — word association

Poke

Associate More Words At Humor Blogs.

Why do men like porn? It’s a question that has haunted us since the dawn of time…which, as it were, coincided with the dawn of porn.

Studies have shown that men seek out porn because they seek comfort. Either their current sexual relationship or their previous sexual relationships do or did not provide them with the comfort they need or needed. They basically seek comfort in a woman who will never scold them for drinking too much, make them take out the trash, or get mad at them for looking at porn (which would be weird — You ever think porn starlets get mad at their men for not looking at porn?).

But I for one think that theory is horse porn…or bull porn, even.

I think the reason men like porn is because we like to see naked women. We also like to see naked women getting banged.

There is no moment happier in a man’s life than the moment he sees a naked woman. It doesn’t matter if she shows everyone on the internet her naked body…for free. A man’s only thought is, “This woman is naked and I am seeing her.” Some might counter-argue that men don’t want to see just any woman naked, but only the most perfect of women naked. I would then counter-counter-argue that they should shut up cause I am looking at a naked woman. At that point their counter-counter-counter-argument would be that I never loved them and that I should’ve married the slut on the computer if I wanted her so bad.

Men like porn cause it’s free. It always has been and always will be. Even when porn cost money, it’s free. Cause porn doesn’t just die after the initial viewing, it lives on in our minds, our hard drives, and in the boxes under the blankets in the attic.

Or look at it this way. Say I find a porn called “The Fanny Diaries” for five bucks in the Previously Cum Stained bin at my favorite XXX store and I buy it. I’d likely watch it a hundred times before reselling it for two bucks at my second favorite XXX store three weeks later. Do the math, I paid five bucks for it and watched it a hundred times. That’s five cents per viewing. Then I was given two bucks for it. That two bucks cancels out the five cents making the porn free. I have a beautiful mind, do I not?

Porn Wars
FOX News Porn
How to Watch Porn
Hot Hairy Porn
Asian Porn
American Porno Idol

Poke

Tags: porn, Poke Porn, pornography, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

Check Out More Naughty Humor At Humor Blogs.

I’m all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality

– From “Lost in the Supermarket” by The Clash

I hate going to the supermarket. I like food, and I enjoy the process of deciding what I’d like to eat, but dealing with all the other idiots who’re there is just beyond my abilities.

I have a strict policy when in a public place — live and let live. In other words, pay attention to others around you and let them enjoy themselves as much as you’d like to enjoy yourself. But these people at the supermarket… It’s as if the moment they hit the doors they suddenly forget all the rules of civilization and that there are other people on this planet.

There are many different types of annoying people lost in the supermarket when I’m there:

The Granny Who Owns The Aisles

This is the little old lady that parks her cart directly in the middle of the aisle and proceeds to drift back and forth from side to side looking for some brand of beans that was discontinued during the Reagan administration. She is loud cause she leaves her hearing aide at home so none of the lowlifes will steal it. She is slow cause her hip has been broken three times since last week. She is rude cause she thinks you’re her dead cousin who used to pull her pig-tails behind the barn. I usually try and steer clear of her and her kind. If I see her down an aisle, I’ll spin my cart around faster than she could say, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” Lady, get a nursing home room!

The Middle Aged Soccer Player

What business does a forty-plus-year-old man have wearing soccer cleats and shin guards into a supermarket? Hey, more power to ya if you want to stay in shape, but you can’t put on some normal socks and tennis shoes before you rush in to pick up a couple of steaks, a bottle of champagne, and your Cialis prescription? And why is it that you have to get behind me in the check out line? You stink, sir. And I don’t mean that in a figurative sense.

The Immigrant On The Cell Phone

I’m all for America being the land of promise for those who are foreign born. I welcome the world to come and suckle the teat (NSFW) that is capitalism. But they talk their gobbledy-gook language on their cells so damn loud that I wanna put up a border fence around my ears. I mean, even if they were speaking English, this action would be enough for me to support deportation. Also, stop complaining about the quality of the tortillas. If you want authentic, make ‘em yourself.

The Unfit Mother And Her Nineteen Children

This is the fat lady who hasn’t bathed in like three years and is wearing something that was once worn by Mama Cass. And I love it when one or more of her kids is wearing nothing but a diaper — that’s classy! I’ve asked the managers at my local store to call C.P.S. so many times that I got an ward from the Governor for being a “Citizen Who Cares About Kids”. I don’t care about kids, I just hate having my shopping time destroyed by the little bastards.

The Teen Bag Boy Who Just Got Off Work But Is Sticking Around To Hit On The Cute Cashier

Leave. You ain’t gonna tap that. Not a chance.

The Husband And Wife Who Won’t Stop Arguing

I think I hate these people the most cause I used to be one of ‘em. The Ex-Missus Poke and I used to have some doozies while shopping. We’d fight over everything from Milk usage to what brand of Ramen was best. Of course none of the arguments were about what we were arguing about — they were usually about how my life was going no where. But the people I see today, they don’t even take the time to argue about other things so that I can try and read the subtext in their crazed debating. The other day, I heard a woman tell a man that his “limp dick never satisfied” her and that she’d “rather screw the next guy” she saw. Now that’s just cold. She could’ve at least had the courtesy to not yell it so loud that I could hear it three aisles over — at least that’s what I told her the next morning as she was getting dressed.

Poke

Tags: supermarket, annoying, people, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

Get Lost In Humor At Humor Blogs.