The Poke Show

I’m all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality

– From “Lost in the Supermarket” by The Clash

I hate going to the supermarket. I like food, and I enjoy the process of deciding what I’d like to eat, but dealing with all the other idiots who’re there is just beyond my abilities.

I have a strict policy when in a public place — live and let live. In other words, pay attention to others around you and let them enjoy themselves as much as you’d like to enjoy yourself. But these people at the supermarket… It’s as if the moment they hit the doors they suddenly forget all the rules of civilization and that there are other people on this planet.

There are many different types of annoying people lost in the supermarket when I’m there:

The Granny Who Owns The Aisles

This is the little old lady that parks her cart directly in the middle of the aisle and proceeds to drift back and forth from side to side looking for some brand of beans that was discontinued during the Reagan administration. She is loud cause she leaves her hearing aide at home so none of the lowlifes will steal it. She is slow cause her hip has been broken three times since last week. She is rude cause she thinks you’re her dead cousin who used to pull her pig-tails behind the barn. I usually try and steer clear of her and her kind. If I see her down an aisle, I’ll spin my cart around faster than she could say, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” Lady, get a nursing home room!

The Middle Aged Soccer Player

What business does a forty-plus-year-old man have wearing soccer cleats and shin guards into a supermarket? Hey, more power to ya if you want to stay in shape, but you can’t put on some normal socks and tennis shoes before you rush in to pick up a couple of steaks, a bottle of champagne, and your Cialis prescription? And why is it that you have to get behind me in the check out line? You stink, sir. And I don’t mean that in a figurative sense.

The Immigrant On The Cell Phone

I’m all for America being the land of promise for those who are foreign born. I welcome the world to come and suckle the teat (NSFW) that is capitalism. But they talk their gobbledy-gook language on their cells so damn loud that I wanna put up a border fence around my ears. I mean, even if they were speaking English, this action would be enough for me to support deportation. Also, stop complaining about the quality of the tortillas. If you want authentic, make ‘em yourself.

The Unfit Mother And Her Nineteen Children

This is the fat lady who hasn’t bathed in like three years and is wearing something that was once worn by Mama Cass. And I love it when one or more of her kids is wearing nothing but a diaper — that’s classy! I’ve asked the managers at my local store to call C.P.S. so many times that I got an ward from the Governor for being a “Citizen Who Cares About Kids”. I don’t care about kids, I just hate having my shopping time destroyed by the little bastards.

The Teen Bag Boy Who Just Got Off Work But Is Sticking Around To Hit On The Cute Cashier

Leave. You ain’t gonna tap that. Not a chance.

The Husband And Wife Who Won’t Stop Arguing

I think I hate these people the most cause I used to be one of ‘em. Missus Poke and I have had some doozies while shopping. We’ve fought over everything from Milk usage to what brand of Ramen was best. But the people I see today, they don’t even take the time to argue about other things so that I can try and read the subtext in their crazed debating. The other day, I heard a woman tell a man that his “limp dick never satisfied” her and that she’d “rather screw the next guy” she saw. Now that’s just cold. She could’ve at least had the courtesy to not yell it so loud that I could hear it three aisles over — at least that’s what I told her the next morning as she was getting dressed.

Poke

Tags: supermarket, annoying, people, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

Get Lost In Humor At Humor Blogs.

According to Wikipedia, The Great Gazoo is “a tiny, green, floating alien” that was “exiled to Earth from his home planet Zatox as punishment for having invented a doomsday machine, a weapon of immense destructive power…though he insists he made it on a whim with no intent of using it.”

To me, that doesn’t make him sound all that great. I guess I’m just one of those guys that doesn’t see the reward in throwing the word “great” about like some tiny, green, floating aliens go about creating doomsday machines.

But that’s just me.

Poke

Tags: The Great Gazoo, great, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

You Know What’s Really Great? Humor Blogs.

I haven’t watched a lot of MTV since the late eighties, but I came across an MTV Doc about Fat Camp earlier this week while channel surfing. Normally this would be something that would not merit a post here, I’d just watch it and move on with my life. But there was this one girl at Fat Camp — Diane. She was…well she was just God’s gift to us people who like to laugh.

I am fat, and have been since I was young. So I want it to be known that this post is not here to make fun of Diane.

No, this post is here to celebrate the wonderfully odd person known as Diane. You see, in my mind, the odder the person the more I wanna hang out with ‘em. I just tend to gravitate to the odd people. The reason being that odd people generally tend to make the people around them more interesting. A good example of this is the camp counselor’s reaction when Diane’s towel falls off (see below).

So without further ado, here is A Tribute to Diane from Fat Camp:

Highlights:

0:20 — Diane gets help out of the chair. He reaction is priceless.
0:52 — Diane’s shower talk.
1:17 — Diane’s towel falls off.
2:09 — Diane and “Sweet Home Alabama”

And for good measure:

Dianne Fat Camp Reenactments
Dianne Reenactments 2

And for really good measure:

Diane’s MySpace page

Poke

Tags: MTV, Fat Camp, odd, funny, video, Poke, The Poke Show

Go To Fat Camp With Humor Blogs.

How is it possible that National Treasure: National Treasure Harder is kicking ass at the box office?

I have not seen the movie so I can not say that it doesn’t suck, but I have seen the trailer and I can say that it does suck. Nicolas Cage is like a bad lap dance — you pay for him and go home with crabs.

I went and saw Juno the other day. It was funny, but damned if I didn’t feel like I needed to be logged on to Urban Dictionary as I watched it. The slang flies around like Nicolas Cage in ConAir — it may save the day, but it has a horrible accent and crabs.

I liked the little girl who pretended to cut that dude’s nuts off in that other movie about teenagers and sex.

I do however find it interesting that screenwriter Diablo Cody used to be a stripper. It reminds me of a Nicolas Cage joke I once heard:

Nicolas Cage, a stripper, and some crabs go to a movie set. Nic tells the stripper that he was in Leaving Las Vegas. The stripper replies, “Get away from me, poor man’s Tom Hanks!” The crabs then eat Nicolas Cage whole and National Treasure: Return of That Cage Guy is put on hold.

Nicolas Cage jokes suck.

Poke

Tags: Nicolas Cage, National Treasure, Juno, Diablo Cody, crabs, Poke, The Poke Show

Nicolas Cage Hangs Out At Humor Blogs.

I’ve always wondered why we get fall-down, kiss-your-sister drunk on New Year’s Eve. I think it’s because we know that no matter how much we hope things’ll change, the New Year will most likely be as crappy as the old one.

BTW, if you haven’t seen it posted all over the internet…check out Jib Jab’s In 2007 and remember the crappiness that was this year.

Poke

Ring In The New Year At Humor Blogs.