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Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and in today’s sexed up society, it’s kinda hard not to have sex on the special day of love. But if you’re the kind of person who has had enough sex to last you a while or is afraid that your dead grandmother is watching, do not worry. I will teach you the Top Ten Ways To Not Have Sex On Valentine’s Day.

10. Don’t Get A Date

It is much harder to have sex if you are not in a situation that usually leads to sex. The best way to not get a date is to not ask anyone on a date, but even this isn’t a hundred percent effective. If you feel that you might accidentally find yourself on a date, just follow this simple rule: There is no possible way to get a date when you lock yourself in the basement.

9. Gain A Hundred Pounds

No one likes to have sex with fat people…except chubby chasers, but I’m pretty sure they’re just a myth propagated by Big Chocolate in order to keep fat people from working out.

8. Become A Raging Sexist

If you put down the opposite sex all the time, it isn’t likely that an opposite sexer will want to sex up your opposites.

WARNING: This may not help with members of the same sex. If you find yourself unattractive to the opposite sex but extremely attractive to the same sex, Become A Raging Homophobe.

7. Join A Religion

It is against every religion to have sex. God, Buddha, and the Tooth Fairy all hate sex and rarely watch us having it.

6. Die

Dead men chase no tails. If you’ve moved on, there’s no way you can bust a move. Just make sure no Necrophiliacs work at the Funeral Home you’ll be sent to.

5. Talk A Lot About Star Wars

The subject of Star Wars is an anti-aphrodisiac. Similar subjects: Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, “Lost”, Dungeons and Dragons, Asian Cinema, European Cinema, European Enemas, AIDS, and Hannah Montana.

4. Stop Brushing Your Teeth

And make sure to keep away from that Orbit bitch. Fabulous!

3. Go Insane

Although I’m sure it’d be fun and I will be adding it to my to-do list, sex in a padded room is a big no-no within the mental health industry. Also, there is little-to-no temptation in a loony bin. Would you want to have sex with Nurse Ratched?

2. Soil Yourself And Don’t Change Until February 15th

Unless you meet someone who thinks your shit don’t stink, there is very little chance that someone will rub up against your feces caked, naked body.

WARNING: There are a handful of people who would enjoy this type of thing, but this year they’re all busy with the Clinton campaign.

1. Mutilate Your Genitals

This will make sex impossible and painful and gross and illegal in seventeen countries.

Poke

Tags: Valentine’s Day, valentines, Top Ten List, list, love, sex, funny, comedy, Poke, The Poke Show

Find More Ways To Not Have Sex At Humor Blogs

So, I just spent about three hours on YouTube watching as many funny fight scenes as I could, and I’ve compiled a list of what I think are the Top Ten Best Funny Fight Scenes Ever. Some are unintentionally funny, while others are meant to make you chuckle. I tried to place the intentionally funny ones up higher on the list, but a couple of the so-super-serious-it’s-silly ones were just so damn funny they had to be near the top.

If I missed one that you’d like to nominate for Honorable Mention (or to knock one of the Top Ten down a peg or two) please leave a link in the comments section.

10. Hot Shots! Part Deux: Funny Fight!

From the moment Charlie Sheen turns around you know this one’s gonna be funny. My favorite part is the Gummi Bears. In my opinion, Hot Shots! Part Deux is just as funny as Hot Shots! and deserves to be considered in the same conversation as Jim Abrahams’ collaborations with the Zucker Brothers.

9. Hilarious Indian Movie Fight Scene

How great is that? The slo-mo parts are just fantastic, then all of the sudden, the dude stops mid-flip to go all Three Stooges on the big dude’s head. And I’m not so sure we shouldn’t see more dancing-after-a-victory in American cinema.

8. BASEketball Dude Fight

Not technically a fight scene, or it would rate higher. I had to put it on the list so people are aware that Bud Light is simply ripping this idea off.

7. Most Ridiculous Fight Scene Ever

This one gets the award for Worst Fight Choreography and Best English Dub!

6. Ash vs His Hand

Somehow Evil Dead 2 has become known as a horror film. I’m not sure how this happened, because it is obvious to anyone who actually watches it that it’s funny as hell. Only an man as manishly manly as Bruce Campbell could cut off his hand and still be able to play the piano this well.

5. Bad Star Trek Fight Scene

Maybe this is why J.J. Abrams won’t let William Shatner be a part of the new Star Trek movie.

4. Kung Fu Hustle Final Fight Scene

It doesn’t get much more over the top than this — flying people, men turning into bullfrogs, stepping on a bird in mid-flight, a giant invisible hand attack, and much, much more. If I could’ve placed Kung Fu Hustle in it’s entirety here, I would have, because the rest of the movie is just as awesomely absurd.

3. MacGumby Bar…worse than Detroit

Q: What’s funnier than two girl scouts in a no holds barred fight to the death?
A: Two girl scouts in a no-holds-barred fight-to-the-death in the middle of a disco.

Sorry that the up-loader decided to speed the clip up when the music starts. Speeding things up doesn’t always make it funnier.

2. The best and most ridiculous fight ever filmed.

I’m not even sure where to begin on this one. The whole damn thing just keeps building on itself. First, you get knife licking. Then, tearing of shirts and lots of yelling. Follow that up with a knife that sparks when it barely touches metal. And don’t forget, a discarded rag can be a useful weapon. But wait, is this a P.S.A. for eye safety?

The final lines make this thing just brilliant beyond measure. I’m seriously gonna need to buy this movie on DVD.

1. They Live - Fight Scene

I’m not alone in loving this scene. It is one of the most infamous fight scenes in movie history. I know a lot of people don’t find it funny because of the brutal realism of the violence (although I maintain that it is unrealistic to think a man would be able to keep fighting if he got three thousand consecutive knees to the knuts). But as the up-loader says, “Roddy Piper is crazy, and wants everyone to try on his new sunglasses.” Now that’s funny.

Poke

Tags: Top Ten List, list, movies, fight scenes, funny, comedy, video, Poke, The Poke Show

Fight The Power At Humor Blogs.

There are tons of Christmas movies, but a handful of them just use Christmas as a backdrop. Sure most of ‘em do have a couple scenes that involve talk of Christmas, but none of ‘em actually involve Santa or the birth of that little Jewish kid.

Anyway, without further ado, here is my list of Top Ten Movies Set During Christmas That Aren’t Really About Christmas.

Poke’s Note: Some of these links are NSFW. An old Chinese proverb states: If it sounds NSFW, it probably is NSFW.

10. Reindeer Games

Why it’s on this list: Nothing says “Anti-Christmas” like having a bunch of convicts dress up like Santa Claus and kill each other.
Why I like it: Charlize Theron’s boobies.

9. Millions

Why it’s on this list: It’s about a kid who finds a bag full of stolen money and uses it to help poor people. It has a Christmas message — which almost knocked it off the list, but if I took it off the list then The Holiday would’ve taken its place and I ain’t about to put a chick flick in my Top Ten Anything.
Why I like it: I’m a sucker for those cute little accents.

8. Trapped in Paradise

Why it’s on this list: Three brothers plot to steal money from a small town bank during Christmas.
Why I like it: Nicolas Cage I could do without. Dana Carvey is hit-or-miss with me. But Jon Lovitz is money in the bank…for me to steal.

7. Eyes Wide Shut

Why it’s on this list: It takes place at Christmas, but no one pays attention to that because of the giant orgy scene and Nicole Kidman’s bare ass.
Why I like it: Well the orgy and Nicole Kidman’s ass I mentioned, and because it’s a frightening portrayal of how easily we can be tempted to enter a world where we are forced to where a figurative mask of lies…plus the orgy and Nicole Kidman’s ass.

6. Ocean’s Eleven

Why it’s on this list: Technically this is cheating. No one ever references Christmas in this film. In fact, I’m not even sure that it does take place at Christmas time. If it wasn’t for the fact that the original Ocean’s Eleven is set during Christmas, I wouldn’t include it on the list — again, I want to make sure that no one ever knows that I liked The Holiday.
Why I like it: Ummmm…it’s really cool.

5. Go

Why it’s on this list: It’s about stoners, drug dealers, and gay actors going to Vegas, trying to escape a pyramid scheme pushing cop, and attending a “Merry X-mas” rave.
Why I like it: “Just so we’re clear, you stole a car, shot a bouncer, and had sex with two women?”

4. Lethal Weapon

Why it’s on this list: A suicidal cop teams up with a cop nearing retirement to bring down some drug running mercenaries during Christmas.
Why I like it: Mel Gibson doing The Three Stooges and going crazy on the drug dealers, and Danny Glover being “to old for this shit”.

3. Trading Places

Why it’s on this list: Two old men play a little game by having a rich white guy and a poor black guy switch lives during Christmas.
Why I like it: It’s one of the funniest movies ever, and Jamie Lee Curtis’s boobies.

2. Gremlins

Why it’s on this list: A group of mischievous little monsters terrorize a town during Christmas.
Why I like it: Well, apart from the fact that I can never get Gizmo’s song out of my head, this movie will always hold a special place in my heart cause I kinda look like Spike.

1. Die Hard

Why it’s on this list: John McLane gets trapped in a building with a bunch of Eastern European terrorists on Christmas Eve.
Why I love it: What is not to love about this movie? Hans Gruber? Sgt. Al Powell? Ellis? Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson? Special Agent Johnson and Special Agent Johnson? How about all the quotables? “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.” — “Guess we’re gonna need some more F.B.I. guys, huh?” — “Welcome to the party pal!” — “It’s Christmas Theo, it’s the time of miracles.” — “Only John can drive somebody that crazy.” — “You know the number…use it!” — “They’re shootin’ at the lights.” — “Now I have a machine gun. Ho Ho Ho.” — “Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister.” — And of course “Yippee-ki-yay Motherfucker.”

Poke

P.S. Seems like great minds think alike. Cinematical has a similar list.

Tags: Christmas, Top Ten List, list, movies, Poke, The Poke Show

Watch Movies Set During Christmas That Aren’t Really About Christmas With Everyone At Humor Blogs.

I had so much fun with the Top Ten Funny Christmas Movie Titles With Fake Loglines I decided to do another one.

20. Toys Will Be Toys

“Bad, bad, bad, bad Toys. You make me feel so good.”

19. Victoria Wood With All the Trimmings

“When a transsexual takes too much Viagra and becomes permanently erect, he/she/it decorates his/her/its yule log with Christmas ornaments and becomes a Holiday sensation.”

18. Santa’s Magic Kingdom

“When Santa renames The North Pole, Disney sues his ass back to the stone ages.”

17. A Little Girl Who Did Not Believe in Santa Claus

“When a little girl stops believing in St. Nick he dies and the world hates her.”

16. The Shanty Where Santy Claus Lives

“When Santy moves into a shanty, he becomes a vigilante who wears panties and spews hate filled ranties about the policies of the Presidanty.”

15. The Santa Trap

“When two little elves meet at summer camp and realize that they are twins they switch places and devise a plan to get Santa and Mrs. Clause back together. Hayley Mills makes another cameo and cashes another check.”

14. Santa with Muscles

“Tired of getting his ass kicked by the Easter Bunny, Santa begins taking steroids. But when his name appears on The Mitchell Report, he must find a way to save Christmas and keep from developing breasts.”

13. The Christmas Orange

“An orange grows on a tree in Florida, but dies during a frost. It never makes it to Christmas. The end.”

12. The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas

“When a bear decides to sleep through Christmas, he becomes like all other bears and goes into hibernation for the winter.” WARNING: This movie will bear you to sleep.

11. Santa’s Last Christmas

“After revealing to Mrs. Clause that he is and has always been gay, Santa learns that he has contracted the HIV virus. Tom Hanks stars as Santa. Soundtrack includes Bruce Springsteen’s hit single ‘Streets of The North Pole’“

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Tags: Christmas, Top Ten List, list, movies, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

Think Of A Fake Logline For Humor Blogs.

I scoured IMDb and found the top ten funny Christmas movie titles. I didn’t look to see what each film is about, just judged ‘em based on title alone. And I will give them each a log line that I think best fits the funny titles.

10. Nuncrackers

“A C.I.A. operative and a Catholic Priest are forced into a deadly game of cat and mouse with the Taliban when they stumble upon a secret code hidden in the inner-lining of all standard issue Nun’s undergarments (a.k.a. Nunderwear).”

9. A Hobo’s Christmas

“A little boy and his dog fall asleep in a rail car after a spirited game of hide-and-go-seek, but when they wake up far away from home they learn the hard way that the tracks are the territory of The Hobo King.” WARNING: Banned in seventeen countries for scenes involving animal and child slaughter.

8. Stealing Baby Jesus

“When King Herod realizes that Baby Jesus escaped the Massacre of the Innocents, he goes underground. Now, together with his team of rag-tag, fly-by-the-seat-of-their-robes kidnappers, he must devise a plan to kidnap the newborn Saviour and extract his D.N.A. to manufacture an army of Jesus soldiers.”

7. Have a Harry Christmas

“When Ain’t it Cool News founder Harry Knowles writes a bad review for his latest Christmas present, Santa teaches him a lesson by magically trading places with him. But when Roger Ebert appears at the North Pole to ‘do away with that foul mouthed fatty-come-lately’ and steal Santa’s immortality Harry must find a way to save Christmas and put lots of exclamation points and capital letters in the subject line of all his toy related news items.”

6. Santa Claus Filling Stockings

“Santa becomes a cross dressing prostitute.”

5. A Gander at Mother Goose

“Mother Goose becomes a Nudist, and somehow becomes a part of the Christmas holiday.”

4. Hardrock, Coco, and Joe: The Three Little Dwarfs

“Three elves band together to take on racism in Santa’s workshop. They take their case all the way to the North Pole Supreme Court where they challenge the old stereotype that elves are the same as dwarfs, midgets, hobbits, or pygmies.”

3. A Vagina For Christmas

“Four best buds make a pact that they will all loose their virginity over Christmas break, but when Peter wakes up Christmas morning and discovers that he’s become a girl he’ll have to make it to the New Year without his pals date raping him/her/it.”

2. So, Who is This Jesus?

“Documentarian Michael Moore takes on the religious community and finds a few new ways to blame George W. Bush and the G.O.P. for every crime ever committed.”

1. The Jew’s Christmas

“When a little Jewish boy is picked on by a little Christian boy, he goes on a murderous rampage to rid the world of all gentiles. A Mel Gibson film.”

Poke

P.S. Here’s Ten More Funny Christmas Movie Titles With Fake Loglines

Tags: Christmas, Top Ten List, list, movies, funny, humor, Poke, The Poke Show

Fake Loglines Abound At Humor Blogs.