The Poke Show

Many men have man boobs, in fact man boobs are quite literally a growing portion of society. But this seeming popularity does not mean that we should cling to our man boobs. Clinging man boobs is just wrong — whether it be for sentimental, sexual, or sociological reasons. Most doctors agree with most scientists who are of the same opinion as most female wrestlers and cow farmers that man boobs should be looked upon with a smirk firmly planted on one’s face and disdain stubbornly situated in the region of one’s peepers…loathing pertinaciously embedded into one’s stance is considered an optional upgrade.

That’s where I come in.

As a man with man boobs, I have long anguished over ways to get rid of man boobs. We seek to vanquish that which we are — kinda like President Bush wants to rid the world of terror or Oprah wants to rid the world of ill-informed women. But I’ve always held to one stipulation — I must never exercise on purpose (if I were to jog after an ice cream truck or fast moving hot dog stand, it would technically be exercise but it would not count against my creed as my intentions were for the sake of gluttony and/or extreme gluttony). And let’s face it, man boobs (like woman boobs) are made of fat (it should be noted that nearly 85% of women nowadays have other substances — saline, silicone, saddle soap — added to the fat, but this note only distracts from my main discussion so I’m gonna go back and talk about that some more…that okay with everyone?), and fat doesn’t just disappear without exercise or magic diets from beaches in Miami. So that puts me in a pickle — which is always better than having a pickle put in me.

I have two theories…ideas…thoughticles, if you will, on how to get rid of man boobs without exercise.

Theory, Idea, Thoughticle #1: Cut ‘em off with a Bowie Knife.

This would work theoretically, but the aftermath would not be ideal nor thoughticlesical. I know many men would be willing to try this one based solely on th fact that it involves a knife, buckets of blood, and would likely go hand in hand with consuming large amounts of alcohol. Men love knives, blood, and consuming large amounts of alcohol. But I would try to sway any man from going down this path. Look at it this way, no matter how cool all the cutting and the bleeding and the binge drinking would be, the excruciating pain and resulting hospital stay would only serve to make you look like a woman or a gay (no man wants to look like a woman or a gay, except for lady boys and twinks). Do you want your buddies to question your manliness simply because you yearned to be free of your man boobs?

So let’s move on to…

Theory, Idea, Thoughticle #2: Get a Sex Change.

At first thought, this might seem worse than looking like a woman because you’d actually become a woman. But if you really think about it — and I mean really, really, really, really, really think about it…then think about it some more later on, it’s not worse, ’tis actually better.

How so? Allow me to answer your question with more questions that I will then answer and explain.

Q: What do men love more than knives, blood, and consuming large amounts of alcohol? A: Vagina. If you have a sex change, guess what you get. That’s right! Your very own vagina!

Q: Could your buddies question you manliness? A: No. What idiot would question a woman’s manliness? If your buddies ever questioned your manliness, you could get the ultimate revenge on them by simply withholding your vagina from them — it’s a woman’s greatest weapon.

Q: Would you still have man boobs? A: No. Your boobs would now be woman boobs and you could get a boob job and get into the adult film business and become someone important and special.

So in conclusion: if you have man boobs, get a sex change and everything will work out in the end.

Poke

P.S. I will not be getting a sex change (sorry Jose). Remember, I don’t like the idea of a pickle in me.

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