I’m all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality

– From by

I hate going to the supermarket. I like food, and I enjoy the process of deciding what I’d like to eat, but dealing with all the other idiots who’re there is just beyond my abilities.

I have a strict policy when in a public place — live and let live. In other words, pay attention to others around you and let them enjoy themselves as much as you’d like to enjoy yourself. But these people at the supermarket… It’s as if the moment they hit the doors they suddenly forget all the rules of civilization and that there are other people on this planet.

There are many different types of annoying people lost in the supermarket when I’m there:

The Granny Who Owns The Aisles

This is the little old lady that parks her cart directly in the middle of the aisle and proceeds to drift back and forth from side to side looking for some brand of beans that was discontinued during the Reagan administration. She is loud cause she leaves her hearing aide at home so none of the lowlifes will steal it. She is slow cause her hip has been broken three times since last week. She is rude cause she thinks you’re her dead cousin who used to pull her pig-tails behind the barn. I usually try and steer clear of her and her kind. If I see her down an aisle, I’ll spin my cart around faster than she could say, Lady, get a nursing home room!

The Middle Aged Soccer Player

What business does a forty-plus-year-old man have wearing soccer cleats and shin guards into a supermarket? Hey, more power to ya if you want to stay in shape, but you can’t put on some normal socks and tennis shoes before you rush in to pick up a couple of steaks, a bottle of champagne, and your prescription? And why is it that you have to get behind me in the check out line? You stink, sir. And I don’t mean that in a figurative sense.

The Immigrant On The Cell Phone

I’m all for America being the land of promise for those who are foreign born. I welcome the world to come and (NSFW) that is capitalism. But they talk their gobbledy-gook language on their cells so damn loud that I wanna put up a border fence around my ears. I mean, even if they were speaking English, this action would be enough for me to support deportation. Also, stop complaining about the quality of the tortillas. If you want authentic, make ‘em yourself.

The Unfit Mother And Her Nineteen Children

This is the fat lady who hasn’t bathed in like three years and is wearing something that was once worn by . And I love it when one or more of her kids is wearing nothing but a diaper — that’s classy! I’ve asked the managers at my local store to call so many times that I got an ward from the Governor for being a “Citizen Who Cares About Kids”. I don’t care about kids, I just hate having my shopping time destroyed by the little bastards.

The Teen Bag Boy Who Just Got Off Work But Is Sticking Around To Hit On The Cute Cashier

Leave. You ain’t gonna tap that. Not a chance.

The Husband And Wife Who Won’t Stop Arguing

I think I hate these people the most cause I used to be one of ‘em. Missus Poke and I have had some doozies while shopping. We’ve fought over everything from Milk usage to what brand of was best. But the people I see today, they don’t even take the time to argue about other things so that I can try and read the subtext in their crazed debating. The other day, I heard a woman tell a man that his “limp dick never satisfied” her and that she’d “rather screw the next guy” she saw. Now that’s just cold. She could’ve at least had the courtesy to not yell it so loud that I could hear it three aisles over — at least that’s what I told her the next morning as she was getting dressed.

Poke

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